Page 23 - SMJ
P. 23
Gay and Happy
GAY AND HAPPY
“I am not going back.”
I was born to a very caring family. As a child I was extremely shy and
polite. As I grew up I realised I kind of never fit in. I was different from
other guys. At the age of 14, I started to realise I wasn’t into girls, like
other guys were, but liked guys. At that time, nothing seems ‘wrong’ or
‘right’, you are just discovering yourself, knowing yourself.
But it wasn’t long before I realised what people called me—‘gay’. I must
have heard classmates talking about it, verbally abusing each other using
the same word. When I learnt more, I came to know how much hatred
there is for people like me. Cases of caning gay people in some countries
horrified me. I was scared, I couldn’t talk to anyone. As a child, you are
scared of being robbed of your parents’ love and since then I always
tried to change, but I never could.
At 15 or 16, I must have planned suicide, never attempted though. I
remember standing before a mirror with a knife in my hand. I took it
from the kitchen but I couldn’t do it as my mom’s crying face would
appear in front of my eyes. Every moment I carried a burden on my
chest and every night my pillow would be soaked in my tears.
I’m 17 now, and you know what I’ve achieved today? I’ve fought those
feelings. I’ve fought depression and now I have hope of a better tomorrow.
I still get suicidal feelings but I beat them every time and now the new
me is ready to fight anything and anyone, not only for my rights as a gay
person but for all the innocent childhoods being locked into closets for
being themselves. And this time I’m not going back.
Divyesh
23
GAY AND HAPPY
“I am not going back.”
I was born to a very caring family. As a child I was extremely shy and
polite. As I grew up I realised I kind of never fit in. I was different from
other guys. At the age of 14, I started to realise I wasn’t into girls, like
other guys were, but liked guys. At that time, nothing seems ‘wrong’ or
‘right’, you are just discovering yourself, knowing yourself.
But it wasn’t long before I realised what people called me—‘gay’. I must
have heard classmates talking about it, verbally abusing each other using
the same word. When I learnt more, I came to know how much hatred
there is for people like me. Cases of caning gay people in some countries
horrified me. I was scared, I couldn’t talk to anyone. As a child, you are
scared of being robbed of your parents’ love and since then I always
tried to change, but I never could.
At 15 or 16, I must have planned suicide, never attempted though. I
remember standing before a mirror with a knife in my hand. I took it
from the kitchen but I couldn’t do it as my mom’s crying face would
appear in front of my eyes. Every moment I carried a burden on my
chest and every night my pillow would be soaked in my tears.
I’m 17 now, and you know what I’ve achieved today? I’ve fought those
feelings. I’ve fought depression and now I have hope of a better tomorrow.
I still get suicidal feelings but I beat them every time and now the new
me is ready to fight anything and anyone, not only for my rights as a gay
person but for all the innocent childhoods being locked into closets for
being themselves. And this time I’m not going back.
Divyesh
23
