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P. 56
By this time, I had lost it all in my studies. All focus, interest, confidence...
everything. I didn‘t have the courage left to go to college or even the area
around that, because negative thoughts haunted me if I did that. By now, I
have seen dozens of rejections in job interviews and failures in exams. I did get
a chance to get into a job a few times but most of the time, I couldn‘t clear the
probation period. This too has happened about half a dozen times now. I feel
so bad.
All these experiences and my disorder have affected my personal life, social
life and family life too. I don‘t feel like going out and meeting people. My
friends keep asking me to meet. I have gradually lost contact with most. My
family has been a great support and has been struggling hard to take care of
me all these years. They have always been careful that I get proper treatment
and take my medicines on time, as prescribed by the doctors. But I feel bad
that I‘m not able to do anything for them. I couldn‘t make them proud. My
mom had to even fight for supporting me to get admission into the reputed
course that I studied in.
Meanwhile, I have seen two marriage proposals break up because of my
illness. I feel that has hurt my family too, though they don‘t say that to me. I‘m
facing a lot of problems in getting married because these days, every well-to-
do guy and his family want a career-oriented girl. My parents have to face
society‘s questions and so much expenditure on my treatment and they still
don‘t say anything about it.
These days, I‘m not much in the grip of schizophrenia. I have been on
medication for eight years and probably that‘s why it‘s now in control. But
these days, I get feelings of being lost, of anxiety, restlessness and failure. And
all this has given rise to other health problems like fault in eyesight, dark
circles and various skin problems. I‘ve put on a lot of weight and feel lack of
energy or enthusiasm to work out even though I wish to lose weight.
And the most horrible change for me is that I haven‘t got my period for around
six months now. Recently, I even had a urethral stone removed by laser
therapy. Last year, I had a minor tumour in my brain too, which got dissolved
by medicines. Doctors say this is all because of stress. Sometimes, I feel the
fear of losing my life whereas at other times, I even feel like ending it. Yes, I do
feel suicidal at times although this feeling is not very often. But I continuously
53
everything. I didn‘t have the courage left to go to college or even the area
around that, because negative thoughts haunted me if I did that. By now, I
have seen dozens of rejections in job interviews and failures in exams. I did get
a chance to get into a job a few times but most of the time, I couldn‘t clear the
probation period. This too has happened about half a dozen times now. I feel
so bad.
All these experiences and my disorder have affected my personal life, social
life and family life too. I don‘t feel like going out and meeting people. My
friends keep asking me to meet. I have gradually lost contact with most. My
family has been a great support and has been struggling hard to take care of
me all these years. They have always been careful that I get proper treatment
and take my medicines on time, as prescribed by the doctors. But I feel bad
that I‘m not able to do anything for them. I couldn‘t make them proud. My
mom had to even fight for supporting me to get admission into the reputed
course that I studied in.
Meanwhile, I have seen two marriage proposals break up because of my
illness. I feel that has hurt my family too, though they don‘t say that to me. I‘m
facing a lot of problems in getting married because these days, every well-to-
do guy and his family want a career-oriented girl. My parents have to face
society‘s questions and so much expenditure on my treatment and they still
don‘t say anything about it.
These days, I‘m not much in the grip of schizophrenia. I have been on
medication for eight years and probably that‘s why it‘s now in control. But
these days, I get feelings of being lost, of anxiety, restlessness and failure. And
all this has given rise to other health problems like fault in eyesight, dark
circles and various skin problems. I‘ve put on a lot of weight and feel lack of
energy or enthusiasm to work out even though I wish to lose weight.
And the most horrible change for me is that I haven‘t got my period for around
six months now. Recently, I even had a urethral stone removed by laser
therapy. Last year, I had a minor tumour in my brain too, which got dissolved
by medicines. Doctors say this is all because of stress. Sometimes, I feel the
fear of losing my life whereas at other times, I even feel like ending it. Yes, I do
feel suicidal at times although this feeling is not very often. But I continuously
53
