Domestic Violence

My mother has suffered domestic violence for more than 40 years or I can say as long as I can remember. My dad used to shut her in the room and beat her her up with slippers and hockey sticks. Once I remember he broke a hockey stick while beating my mother. Last I remember he beat my mother when I was in 12th grade. He still raises his hand on her although he is close to 78 now. last year he stopped giving any money to my mother and she is totally dependent on him. I have never known why he beat her up. I am so upset with this, that I have not spoken to my dad for last one year. My dad is an ex army personnel and very well respected person in the society. I feel like I need to do something about this now. What should I do?

Dear Aamir, First of all, Great job on doing what you are doing. Your show is an eye-opener on existing and visible issues that everyone wants to hide; this "Chalta Hai" attitude is what allows people to continue committing crimes and getting away with it. My story is related to a couple of issues that you have addressed. Domestic Violence has been deeply rooted in my father's family and when my mother- daughter of a Psychologist professor and universal principal, married into this family, one didn't know how bad it could get. My father has and still treats my mother as a stupid and dumb persons, who should do as he pleases- never lets her speak and make decisions and always reprimands her if things are not as per his likings. This is related to food, clothing, friends, spending money on basic food essentials etc. My sister and I grew up watching him throw things around the house and my mom being black and blue all the time. When we grew up, my mother told us about the atrocities that her in laws made her face. She still has a crack in her back bone, from when my father kicked her, when she was pregnant with the first child. As a child, i grew up wondering if this is normal- do my friends have the same behavior in their houses. I never spoke to any one about this- because i wasn't sure if these things should be discussed. But one thing that has happened, is that i hate my father because of his doings. They both are the happiest when they are not together, and my mother stays with me now, and is so much happier and physically fit. I do not know if i will ever forgive my father. I do not treat him differently, unless he misbehaves with my mother and that is when I tell him off. He is also the reason I have a temper, but this situation has made me strong enough to never allow this type of violence happen in front of me. Until the men of our country stop thinking of themselves as the superior beings, and the women do not stand up and say "no" to the atrocities, the society will continue to "allow" this violence to happen. Instead of getting married and living with this type of family, women should stay single and independent. Women are well known for multi-tasking and their analytical skills. If they help their fellow women, then half of the nation will contribute to the country's progress.

Your latest episode on Domestic Violence was an honest attempt to understand this grave issue which has enjoyed the tacit support of more than half of India's population.(Nearly all Indian males their parents endorse domestic abuse of any form as valid and accepted).Your FB and Twitter handles are testimony to his fact as well. I am an MBA from a reputed Indian institute and had worked for over 7 yrs when I got married to another similarly "well-qualified" Indian man.It did not help that the marriage was a love-arranged types and both families belong to a similar social strata.My abuse had started ahead of the actual marriage - but was more emotional and less physical in nature. Marriage just got more excuses to shift gears and when my husband's alcohol and drug abuse, my isolation, curbs on working, dressing, food, social interactions, family phone calls etc did not suffice- things went on to pushing, bullying, arm-twisting,kicking and banging head against wall. On the third such instance in May 2008,I called in Mumbai POlice -Oshiwara PS and complained, but my complaint was never lodged as a FIR as the police said it was the first time i had complained and if I complained atleast2 -3 more times in the future , then it could be a case for FIR. A family friend spent 2-3 days helping me run from pillar to post across difft police subjudices across Chembur, Ohiwara, Andheri, Crwford , Police HQ, South Mumbai - and my parents gave up hope and called me back to Delhi , where I am now based. NOBODY had heard, and knew anything about the DV Act or the person responsible. Its been more than 5 years since the incident and a lot is known, debated and evolved in the DV Act. I welcome the initiative, though how and where to reach the responsible people is something of a mystery even today. Though I am since divorced (mutualy - as I didnt want to elongate my misery- and without any alimony/financial support from the man's side) I still feel, I could have detected the signs of abuse much earlier had I been aware of such a malady; my parents gave me full support and help me heal emotionally, financially and physically -but not many other women are blessed this way. Also, had I been aware of such a problem, I would have taken my self defence classes seriously - more as a defence rather than an offence technique. Ofcourse, being financially independent goes a long way and education had its postives. But to me, acknowledging that such a DEVIL exists amidst us is a neccessity. It exists right here , in educated, middle class,upper middle class homes - even parents with daughters of their own allow their sons to degrade anothers daughter. All this in the land of KALI/DURGA/SATI.

It took me 6 years to realize that the domestic violence will end up taking my life someday or make me disabled. I come from a very educated middle class family, had gone to a convent school and was brought up with the highest and strongest value systems. I was educated and working as a software professional earning a decent amount of money as well. And yet, i continued to take the shit from my husband - physical assaults every now and then left me bleeding and sore. Sometimes folks in office even asked me why i was all blue and i used to make vague excuses like fell from the stairs etc...Somehow i continued to endure it all thinking that my love can change him and that i should protect my marriage. He even didn’t want to have kids, which later i thought was only good as the kids would also have to go thru torture. Finally one day. I gathered enough courage to walk out of his home and didn’t have any money on me...eve the money i had earned was in his account...God sent two women who gave me shelter before i moved into a rented apartment. Initially most of my acquaintances disbelieved me thinking that i am making too much out of it and shud give him another chance. I was very clear that six years was too long anyways and he wud never change. It’s been more than 10 years now. Since then god has been so kind that my work and career have been my biggest passion. My parents have stood by me thru thick and thin and a few friends who came as angels have been a support. I have received so much recognition for my work and talent, have travelled around the globe and succeeded in whatever i took up. God has been kind. As soon as my financial situation improved, I began with financially adopting a few girls. My way of saying "THANK YOU GOD." Today I have my own home, my own business and am known for who I am and not Mrs....

Namaste Aamir ji. I am really impressed by your show and I watch your every episodes. The way you bring current burning issues to the public is really appreciable. I have also a story and thought of sharing my story with people through your show. After marriage, I went through physical and mental torture by my husband. During pregnancy period even, I was tortured by my husband and during delivery also, he wasn't there to take care of me. I have 2 children, one son and one daughter. He had also denied taking responsibilities of our children's education, and therefore, I stood against him and got a job in bank. After that, his intensity of torturing me had increased and I have started opposing it. I took responsibility of my children on my own and that time only, I bought a new house on my own because he kept threatening me to throw me out of his house, along with children !After that, he had started ruining my image in the society by saying that I am a characterless woman! During my struggling period, when I was completely alone, not a single person was there to give a support to me, not even my relatives. I didn't care these rubbish things and I put my whole effort on my children! Today, my son has pursued Btech and Mtech in engineering from IIT Bombay and got his Phd in engg from Purdue University in US, and now he is working as a scientist in New York. My daughter is also pursuing mtech from Indian School of mines. Along with my son's education, I tried to make him a good human being, not just a Man, and i think I am successful in it! My daughter is very strong emotionally and physically both, and they are capable of taking wise decisions also. Now, I am the happiest mother because my children are very caring for me. My son's marriage is in January next year, and this is a love cum arranged marriage and it’s an intercaste marriage. My daughter in-law has also got her Phd in engg from IIT Bombay and working as a scientist in New York.

Hi aamir, I am 25 years old and am from the UK, your episode on domestic violence was very touching and also close to my heart as it is something I have personal experience of. Many people think that domestic violence only occurs in places such as India but unfortunately this is not the case it also happens in country’s such has the UK where people think it is so advanced. I used to be a happy and outgoing person who lived life to the fullest and never let anyone walk over me. But then everything changed when a met someone I grew distant from my family and after a huge argument left my house. Things with my partner were great at first I was accepted whole heartedly by his family but regrettably became my distant from mine, we moved in with his brother and wife and things were ok I learnt how to run a house until we found a place of our own. We used to have the odd arguments as every couple do but on one occasion it all went to far and he had raised a hand on me. I was punched and beaten very badly and felt as though I could not go to my family especially after how I treated them and therefore accepted this as my fate. The next day he apologized and sent flowers also and thought that this was the first and last time, little did I know what was in store for me. I accepted his apology and we moved on but my happiness was short lived when he had gone out drinking and came home, we argued over his insecurities and the violence repeated. This continued for two years, in those two years I lost everything my self-confidence, my smile. But one day I took the courage and left him even reported him to the police as he had broken my hand. I plucked up the courage and told my parents. My father was so upset as he was in India he felt helpless and told my older sister to help me... I was going to move back to my parents, but again I got sucked in by him as I found out I was 3 and a half months pregnant. When he found out he was so happy and promised this would not happen again. But this did not last and he turned to his old ways, the arguing, drinking, going out. We used to argued and he left the house for two three days and came back this happened on a number of occasions. I suffered post natal depression and this time felt trapped. But since seeing your show and listening to the women speaking it has given me courage to stand up and leave. And that I don't need to be scared. So I thank you for that. It's upsetting that yes I Loved him and I gave everything to him and he never appreciated me. I used my daughter as an excuse to stay but its not right as it’s affecting her more, instead I am mentally draining her... He has seen the violence but not anymore.