Page 25 - index
P. 25
My marriage had been an experience of continuous intimidation for me. Each day began and ended with
fear. Chronic insomnia had become an inseparable part of my life. There would be persistent fights at
home – sometimes, for a reason and most times, for no understandable reasons. The verbal, physical
and sexual abuse made me doubt my own abilities - as a professional, homemaker, wife and mother. My
response to this abuse was of numbness which would later hurt me for endless hours. A lot of my time
was either spent running through the last abusive event or in anticipating when the next one will be
hurled at me.
Even if I was not at home and my phone would flash my husband calling, I would start having
palpitations and my hands would tremble. I would start doing a mental checklist about whether he
could be calling for me not having shut the drawer properly or having turned off the LPG cylinder from
the bottom, etc.
I was a co-owner of a small business firm. I had built the business as well as the office brick by brick
which required a lot of monetary investment. I used up all my past savings and resources for it. The
investment was taking a toll on my savings but the payoffs were not encouraging initially. However,
because of the violence and criticisms from my husband, I could not gather the courage to share the
same with him. So, I would withdraw money from my own account and take it home showing it as
money that the firm had earned. My savings were depleting fast. When I ran out of my own money, I
took loans and then more loans to repay the previous loan installments. Abuse continued as if it was
meant to continue and as if I deserved it.
When there was no respite on either of the fronts, I decided to bring an end to my life which I thought
would also end other issues under which I had been crumbling for years now. I attempted suicide and
survived it. I thought that the suicide attempt made my husband take notice of what I had been going
through and he assured me that we will work on our relationship together. I had no realisation that he
was recording that entire conversation which he later used as “evidence” in the divorce case he filed
against me.
Soon, I had to leave the house out of sheer desperation. It was as if every door had shut. I knew there
was nothing more for me to be or to do in this marriage. I had to walk out leaving my child behind as I
had no place I could go to and call my own and virtually no resources. I could not have afforded a school
or a home for my child. I myself was going to be dependent on other people’s support and I did not want
my child to go through that - to be in a place where you do not feel welcome. My own relatives were also
ambivalent about supporting me.
Even after I left the marital house, I would get flashbacks of the abusive episodes that had broken me
from within. Today, I identify myself as a fighter and as someone who stood her ground through all the
emotionally draining incidents. Sometimes, there is fatigue but I work around the fatigue and prepare
myself to face the challenges the next day. The flashbacks of the abuse have very gradually reduced and
my sleep has improved. However, there still are multiple legal and other issues that I face on a day-to-
day basis which cause sleeplessness. My journey of wanting to live life on terms that I value immensely -
those of respect, dignity and humility - has begun.
-Jyothirmayi
--
One day, my husband came towards me with anger, saying that I have no mind and started tapping my
forehead with his finger with full force. That was the first time that it looked like he would beat me.
Suddenly, I realised that I am not here for all this. I pushed him back with force and said, “You dare not
touch me again or else, I’ll break your fingers and place them on your other hand.”
Since that day, he never came back with a violent attack. However, he tortured me in other ways -
mentally and emotionally. But eventually I separated from him and our divorce case is in court right
now.
-Shashikala
22
fear. Chronic insomnia had become an inseparable part of my life. There would be persistent fights at
home – sometimes, for a reason and most times, for no understandable reasons. The verbal, physical
and sexual abuse made me doubt my own abilities - as a professional, homemaker, wife and mother. My
response to this abuse was of numbness which would later hurt me for endless hours. A lot of my time
was either spent running through the last abusive event or in anticipating when the next one will be
hurled at me.
Even if I was not at home and my phone would flash my husband calling, I would start having
palpitations and my hands would tremble. I would start doing a mental checklist about whether he
could be calling for me not having shut the drawer properly or having turned off the LPG cylinder from
the bottom, etc.
I was a co-owner of a small business firm. I had built the business as well as the office brick by brick
which required a lot of monetary investment. I used up all my past savings and resources for it. The
investment was taking a toll on my savings but the payoffs were not encouraging initially. However,
because of the violence and criticisms from my husband, I could not gather the courage to share the
same with him. So, I would withdraw money from my own account and take it home showing it as
money that the firm had earned. My savings were depleting fast. When I ran out of my own money, I
took loans and then more loans to repay the previous loan installments. Abuse continued as if it was
meant to continue and as if I deserved it.
When there was no respite on either of the fronts, I decided to bring an end to my life which I thought
would also end other issues under which I had been crumbling for years now. I attempted suicide and
survived it. I thought that the suicide attempt made my husband take notice of what I had been going
through and he assured me that we will work on our relationship together. I had no realisation that he
was recording that entire conversation which he later used as “evidence” in the divorce case he filed
against me.
Soon, I had to leave the house out of sheer desperation. It was as if every door had shut. I knew there
was nothing more for me to be or to do in this marriage. I had to walk out leaving my child behind as I
had no place I could go to and call my own and virtually no resources. I could not have afforded a school
or a home for my child. I myself was going to be dependent on other people’s support and I did not want
my child to go through that - to be in a place where you do not feel welcome. My own relatives were also
ambivalent about supporting me.
Even after I left the marital house, I would get flashbacks of the abusive episodes that had broken me
from within. Today, I identify myself as a fighter and as someone who stood her ground through all the
emotionally draining incidents. Sometimes, there is fatigue but I work around the fatigue and prepare
myself to face the challenges the next day. The flashbacks of the abuse have very gradually reduced and
my sleep has improved. However, there still are multiple legal and other issues that I face on a day-to-
day basis which cause sleeplessness. My journey of wanting to live life on terms that I value immensely -
those of respect, dignity and humility - has begun.
-Jyothirmayi
--
One day, my husband came towards me with anger, saying that I have no mind and started tapping my
forehead with his finger with full force. That was the first time that it looked like he would beat me.
Suddenly, I realised that I am not here for all this. I pushed him back with force and said, “You dare not
touch me again or else, I’ll break your fingers and place them on your other hand.”
Since that day, he never came back with a violent attack. However, he tortured me in other ways -
mentally and emotionally. But eventually I separated from him and our divorce case is in court right
now.
-Shashikala
22
