Page 54 - Chupi-Todo
P. 54
M y eyes ill up with tears as I sit in the ofice kitchen having my lunch. My hands
start shaking and there’s a lump in my throat. I go back to my desk to avoid having
to explain why I, a mature, well-educated man in a large organisation, am crying
over my tuna salad. It’s news time and the large TV in the kitchen is showing
yet another story about perpetrators of child sex abuse. I’m crying because I’m a
survivor.
I spend the rest of the day drinking coffee and trying to think clearly so I can work.
I also have a mental conlict: I’m meant to be so privileged and powerful—white,
Anglo-Saxon and male—and yet, sometimes, I feel utterly unsafe and vulnerable.
There have been several consequences of the regular sexual abuse I suffered
between the ages of 9 and 12. One of them is post-traumatic stress disorder, which
I experienced as deep anxiety and nightmares. I took anti-depressants for years. I
tend to be rather silent and I’m cautious of people. Loud noises make me jump,
a condition called a startle response, and I have psoriasis, an embarrassing and
incurable skin condition that I believe is due to anxiety.
A common reaction when I get triggered is dissociation, a feeling of leaving my
body. This was my mind’s defence mechanism as a child and my mind still hides
when it encounters reminders of abuse. Shame and secrecy are some of the cruellest
parts of abuse because they are based on the child’s trust (or fear) of the abuser.
I’ve had more than a decade of regular therapy sessions and I still see a therapist
when I need to. Some years ago, I told my wife and (adult) children and I’ve told
some friends when it felt right. I ind that exercise like swimming and walking help.
I meditate every day to soothe myself.
There’s a dilemma for me when I come across news items about the sexual abuse of
children. Hearing people describe what was done to me as a vile crime, monstrous
and despicable, I feel vindicated and supported by the move to bring perpetrators
(and their protectors) to justice, and yet the widespread media coverage of abuse
brings overwhelming feelings of hurt and distress.
CHUPPI TODO! | 52
start shaking and there’s a lump in my throat. I go back to my desk to avoid having
to explain why I, a mature, well-educated man in a large organisation, am crying
over my tuna salad. It’s news time and the large TV in the kitchen is showing
yet another story about perpetrators of child sex abuse. I’m crying because I’m a
survivor.
I spend the rest of the day drinking coffee and trying to think clearly so I can work.
I also have a mental conlict: I’m meant to be so privileged and powerful—white,
Anglo-Saxon and male—and yet, sometimes, I feel utterly unsafe and vulnerable.
There have been several consequences of the regular sexual abuse I suffered
between the ages of 9 and 12. One of them is post-traumatic stress disorder, which
I experienced as deep anxiety and nightmares. I took anti-depressants for years. I
tend to be rather silent and I’m cautious of people. Loud noises make me jump,
a condition called a startle response, and I have psoriasis, an embarrassing and
incurable skin condition that I believe is due to anxiety.
A common reaction when I get triggered is dissociation, a feeling of leaving my
body. This was my mind’s defence mechanism as a child and my mind still hides
when it encounters reminders of abuse. Shame and secrecy are some of the cruellest
parts of abuse because they are based on the child’s trust (or fear) of the abuser.
I’ve had more than a decade of regular therapy sessions and I still see a therapist
when I need to. Some years ago, I told my wife and (adult) children and I’ve told
some friends when it felt right. I ind that exercise like swimming and walking help.
I meditate every day to soothe myself.
There’s a dilemma for me when I come across news items about the sexual abuse of
children. Hearing people describe what was done to me as a vile crime, monstrous
and despicable, I feel vindicated and supported by the move to bring perpetrators
(and their protectors) to justice, and yet the widespread media coverage of abuse
brings overwhelming feelings of hurt and distress.
CHUPPI TODO! | 52
